Living Two Lives

Most of this evening was spent dealing with working on divorce papers. I promised myself and my readers I wouldn't get too detailed into my divorce proceedings, but it's relevant. My parents, my sister, and myself were all gathered around the table starting to fill out my papers. The-evil-man-in-question is actually going to be filing, but he questions everything, and it takes him forever to figure out the most simplest of things. My parents and I decided to help him "start" the paperwork, doing most of the legwork, and making sure I was protected.

Sitting around this table I wanted three things. One, a shot of tequila. My dad gave me the stink eye when I suggested this. Two, Ryan to be with me, next to me, just for moral support. I don't want him to get involved in this nasty divorce...it's not really his problem. But I just wanted him to be there for me to punch when I was angry at the situation, and to hold my hand. Three, I really didn't want to be there at all. I wanted to be somewhere else entirely.

Every second I was able to, I was on my iPhone texting Ryan. Much to the displeasure of my mother and my sister. But it helped me keep a slight amount of sanity. I wish this was like an online game or a science fiction story, because there are things called teleports. I would have teleported right out to be in his arms. Forgetting the failure of this life and concentrating on what is giving me happiness now.

Happiness....well that is somewhat relative. I am so happy. Happier than I thought I would ever be. But at the same time I am being tortured with being so far away. The one thing in this life I want....well we all know the answer to this.

It's actually one of the main reasons for my foul mood. I really could care less about my divorce. It's a formality. The worst part about it is that it takes away time I can spend with Ryan...in our little texting/online space. I am in a foul mood because I cannot be the one place I want to be. I have everything here in Sacramento that would make me happy.........except Ryan.

Back in the beginning of this month when Ryan came to visit, we were sitting on my cat hair coated futon watching Doctor Who on my computer. He has always loved my writing. He turned to me and said that I should use that talent to write a book about our relationship. Well, sitting down to write a novel isn't really my idea of a smashing evening...because I would sit and just keep writing. Sure, there are things that haven't happened yet.

So what better than a blog? A way to write everything down as it happens, and so if for some reason I decide that writing a book is my goal in life, here it all is. In it's freshest of memories, with the emotions loud and the words a true portrayal of what is going through my mind. Wouldn't that be nice? My name under a book title...a book that holds within it's covers one of the happiest and most turmoil ridden moments of my life.

One can dream, right?