The Beginning

I got married June 3, 2006. He was the love of my life....

...or so I thought.

In September of 2009, things crumbled and fell apart. There were events long ago that probably affected this, but that is not the purpose of this blog.

After he left me, my life fell apart. I would be in bed at night, screaming, throwing myself against the wall, the floor...anything solid. I loved this man so much. Come to find out, I was a codependent wife. I was trying to make a relationship that was forged out of nothing be everything...if you know what I mean.

I learned so much about myself. I was changing myself for a man that could never love me for who I was. I was changing myself into someone I didn't even recognize.

I play an online role playing game, Perfect World. I play this game with loads of friends. With happens of chance, a couple months ago, one of my avatars ended up in a guild. A few days later, I ended up in the Ventrilo server for this guild. The first voice I heard was a deep voice saying "Hello." in a slight southern drawl. I didn't even know who this person was.

Days went by, maybe even weeks. I'm not even sure. I was in such an emotional haze I lost track of time. All I know is I was drawn to this voice. I looked at the picture attached to this voice, and honestly, I was highly unimpressed. Almost turned me off, to be honest.

But I kept talking to him. I couldn't stop talking to him.

And on a very fateful day where my divorce came to a head, and I decided to down two bottles of wine, while playing Perfect World. And the person I was playing with was the sexy slight southern drawl boy......

And I unloaded a good portion of my life, pretty wasted, to a stranger.

My friend Robin told me the next day that this said stranger was worried about me, because of my drunken tangents and the way I left. All day at work I was concerned and wanted to make sure he didn't think poorly of me.....or even worse.....stop talking to me.

I talked to him that night. Everything was okay. And almost was back to normal. Except something changed. I couldn't even put my finger on it...but something was different.

The talking continued. Delving into personal stories and pasts....and we came to know each other well.

His name is Ryan.

My dad told me when my husband first left me that a shining knight would ride up on a steed and sweep me off my feet. I didn't want to hear it. In fact, I hoped it didn't happen. I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want to feel again. In fact, I didn't want to be....period.

The talking continued, and then love was professed. Love that was forbidden, me "technically" still being married, and being across the country. I was so scared. And then we decided to meet in person. At first, I was going to fly out to my parents house in February and we were going to arrange a meeting.

But that wasn't soon enough. No, no.

On December 4th, 2009, a plane arrived in Sacramento, California. That plane carried Ryan. I had to get up early, very early for my standards. I was sitting at the AM/PM, checking the flight status every minute. I was so nervous. I didn't know what to think, what to expect. We had chatted with voice/cam several times. But this was different.

I checked the flight status with my iPhone one more time....and then the phone died. So much for improved battery power, right? I was in panic mode at this point. I was going to use said phone to pinpoint his exact location at the pickup area. My palms started to sweat, I was shaking.

I made the decision to drive to the terminal and try to pinpoint him out of the crowd. It was a rather busy day at the airport. I thought I spotted him a few times...but he knew what my car looked like, and I was looking for a blond haired blue eyed gorgeous man to be waving at me. That didn't come. My shaking got worse. My fear intensified. I decided it would be better to park and try and find him in person, rather than driving in my car.

My eyes were darting frantically behind my sunglasses as I crossed the road to the terminal. I was scanning each and every face...looking at all glances passed my way. I was hoping I would see something.

I stared in despair. I didn't see what I needed. I feared that he would give up. My phone was going straight to voice mail and my car was no longer driving around the circle. I had no idea where to go. I almost gave up. With my last glance before I walked to my car, I saw a glimpse of recognition in someone else's eyes. I watched cautiously...

And he came straight to me. It was him. It was Ryan. He was walking towards me. My heart was pounding at a rate that doctors would have been afraid. My body started shaking in a way I have never felt. And then he touched me....and our lips touched.

I had to get out of this public place. Public vulnerability is not one of my favorite things.

Between then and now is really history. Meeting a few of my friends, small arguments, cuddling, and crying as I put him back on a plane. In utter disrepair for him being across the country....

I never wanted to be in a relationship again....not to mention a long distance one. And I find myself head over heals for this man. More so than the man I was expecting to be the rest of my life.

Today is Christmas, and more than anything, I want to be in his arms. I have never been this happy and unhappy. Period.

In less than 2 weeks I will be in his arms. But that is not soon enough, and every night is torture. I'm not flinging myself against solid objects, that's for sure. But I am flinging myself into the very dark corners of my mind.

And this begins the story of Ryan Ward and Heather Karnatz....the long journey of an online relationship that will grow into something more, but at this moment it feels like an eternal place of torture.