Thursday, December 31, 2009
Goal
One of my friends on Facebook made a comment about a New Year's goal. I like the wording of goal instead of resolution...not nearly as cliche. And this goal...I love it. And I'm going to reword it and make it mine.
Resolutions?
My big joke running around with everyone excited about the new year is "2010 is canceled..." It started out as a funny joke with all the happenings around this holiday season. 2009 was the worst and best year of my life. I don't even know which part was more prominent at this point either.
I'm not even excited about a new year. I don't know if it's part of the getting older part...but a new year doesn't mean anything. It's just a new number to put on the date. Whatever person you are the previous year will carry over into the new year. You can't just change yourself because it's a new date. You are who you are and that's who you always will be. That's why I find resolutions to be a waste of energy. A very large percentage of resolutions are broken within the first few months of the new year.
That's one thing I've really learned about myself the past ~4 months or so. I can't change myself into anything else besides who I am. And I am so glad I am with someone who likes me for me!
It doesn't even feel like New Years to me. I guess it will a little bit more now since Robin is coming over and we're making a delicious dinner and commiserating about forbidden relationships. But I have no one to really kiss. I could kiss Robin...but...you know.
In less than a week I will be in Ryan's arms. It feels like an eternity. I don't even care about the festivities today. Next week is all I care about and all I want to get to at this point.
I'm not even excited about a new year. I don't know if it's part of the getting older part...but a new year doesn't mean anything. It's just a new number to put on the date. Whatever person you are the previous year will carry over into the new year. You can't just change yourself because it's a new date. You are who you are and that's who you always will be. That's why I find resolutions to be a waste of energy. A very large percentage of resolutions are broken within the first few months of the new year.
That's one thing I've really learned about myself the past ~4 months or so. I can't change myself into anything else besides who I am. And I am so glad I am with someone who likes me for me!
It doesn't even feel like New Years to me. I guess it will a little bit more now since Robin is coming over and we're making a delicious dinner and commiserating about forbidden relationships. But I have no one to really kiss. I could kiss Robin...but...you know.
In less than a week I will be in Ryan's arms. It feels like an eternity. I don't even care about the festivities today. Next week is all I care about and all I want to get to at this point.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Envy
I watch couples walking together, holding hands, arms around each other...they really don't know how lucky they have it.
I've never actually been in a long distance relationship before. Although Ryan is probably the best thing that ever happened to me, I would rather be shot in the foot then to be going through this. Both feet, actually.
How is it that I became so attached to someone with a relationship that is based on text messages, phone conversations/ventrilo, and Windows Live web cam sessions? I guess it shows that our relationship really isn't based on the physical, right? I mean we've only really been in each others presence for 4 days.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just fooling myself. Call me a pessimist, but I have never heard any positive outcomes with long distance relationships. Maybe the distance is a good thing...maybe it's a character builder? Maybe it will ensure that our relationship is built on the right foundations. But will the lack of physical touch less than once a month ruin it? If it's not dealt with in the most precarious manner, this could backfire so hard and so bad.
I'm really trying to stay positive about it all. But there are days, when seeing other couples together, and knowing that I would have to have 2,000 mile long arms in order to touch Ryan, it just gets to me. It really, really, really gets to me.
I have to wonder...did I set myself up to fail again? Did I just open myself up completely to another heartbreak? I'll tell you, I really can't take much more heartbreak in my life.
I've never actually been in a long distance relationship before. Although Ryan is probably the best thing that ever happened to me, I would rather be shot in the foot then to be going through this. Both feet, actually.
How is it that I became so attached to someone with a relationship that is based on text messages, phone conversations/ventrilo, and Windows Live web cam sessions? I guess it shows that our relationship really isn't based on the physical, right? I mean we've only really been in each others presence for 4 days.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just fooling myself. Call me a pessimist, but I have never heard any positive outcomes with long distance relationships. Maybe the distance is a good thing...maybe it's a character builder? Maybe it will ensure that our relationship is built on the right foundations. But will the lack of physical touch less than once a month ruin it? If it's not dealt with in the most precarious manner, this could backfire so hard and so bad.
I'm really trying to stay positive about it all. But there are days, when seeing other couples together, and knowing that I would have to have 2,000 mile long arms in order to touch Ryan, it just gets to me. It really, really, really gets to me.
I have to wonder...did I set myself up to fail again? Did I just open myself up completely to another heartbreak? I'll tell you, I really can't take much more heartbreak in my life.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Casualties
Ryan has a daughter.
I'm actually rather nervous about this element in our relationship. More nervous than I really let on. I'm really nervous about her age. Being on the verge of a teenager, I already can feel a struggle. That, and I'm not even old enough to be her mother (Unless I decided to be really promiscuous when I was 12!). She is a lot like me when I was 12...and that's scary in itself. Because of what I became as a teenager, how little regard or respect I had for people around me (my parents included).
I try and think of what I would have felt when I was that age if my parents weren't together, hadn't been together for a long time, and all of a sudden a stranger was injected into my life. Personally, I would probably have raged. I would have revolted and made lives around me a living hell. I would be angry at the fact that I had to share a parent that I'm not used to sharing. Sharing my parent with a stranger no less. And being asked to respect this person? No way.
I've always wanted to be a mother. But starting out with a teenage daughter is really not the most ideal way to begin that process. I can already feel the frustration, and I haven't even met her yet.
I'm trying to remain positive about the situation, and I'm sure a lot of my worries are unfounded....slightly. I meet her in a week and a couple of days. Hopefully, she and I will get a long like old friends. She already has a lot of my same interests...horses, Twilight (GO TEAM EDWARD!)...
My biggest fear is that for some reason she strongly dislikes me and tries her hardest to make my life hell...I don't know if I can take it. And, I don't know how much Ryan will be able to take. She is his daughter, and will take priority.
Silly insecurities, right?
I'm actually rather nervous about this element in our relationship. More nervous than I really let on. I'm really nervous about her age. Being on the verge of a teenager, I already can feel a struggle. That, and I'm not even old enough to be her mother (Unless I decided to be really promiscuous when I was 12!). She is a lot like me when I was 12...and that's scary in itself. Because of what I became as a teenager, how little regard or respect I had for people around me (my parents included).
I try and think of what I would have felt when I was that age if my parents weren't together, hadn't been together for a long time, and all of a sudden a stranger was injected into my life. Personally, I would probably have raged. I would have revolted and made lives around me a living hell. I would be angry at the fact that I had to share a parent that I'm not used to sharing. Sharing my parent with a stranger no less. And being asked to respect this person? No way.
I've always wanted to be a mother. But starting out with a teenage daughter is really not the most ideal way to begin that process. I can already feel the frustration, and I haven't even met her yet.
I'm trying to remain positive about the situation, and I'm sure a lot of my worries are unfounded....slightly. I meet her in a week and a couple of days. Hopefully, she and I will get a long like old friends. She already has a lot of my same interests...horses, Twilight (GO TEAM EDWARD!)...
My biggest fear is that for some reason she strongly dislikes me and tries her hardest to make my life hell...I don't know if I can take it. And, I don't know how much Ryan will be able to take. She is his daughter, and will take priority.
Silly insecurities, right?
Sunday, December 27, 2009
10 Things I Love About Ryan
1. His smile
2. His laugh
3. He makes me laugh
4. He likes me for what I am, not what I could be
5. I make him laugh
6. We have intelligent conversations
7. Though we argue (who doesn't), the arguments are productive
8. He understands when I rage, and doesn't try to rationalize with me
9. He says all the right things
10. And he's drop dead gorgeous
2. His laugh
3. He makes me laugh
4. He likes me for what I am, not what I could be
5. I make him laugh
6. We have intelligent conversations
7. Though we argue (who doesn't), the arguments are productive
8. He understands when I rage, and doesn't try to rationalize with me
9. He says all the right things
10. And he's drop dead gorgeous
Days Like Today
Have you ever had the feeling that you're personal time line is one second out of sync with the rest of the universe? Today, everything is just out of sync. The timing is never right, I'm either too early or too late. And if by some random chance, I am on time, that time is stolen away by some force that cannot be reckoned with.
And it's always the little things. Being at the bank too early, getting home too late, trying to answer the phone one ring too late...etcetera, etcetera.
Ever listened to Meet Me Halfway by the Black Eyed Peas? If you have, and you really listen to the lyrics, that is me. That is my theme song of my life and my relationship. If you haven't heard it, I suggest you do.
I wish circumstances with my relationship with Ryan were so much different. The timing is never right...Eastern to Pacific is somewhat of a pain to deal with. The location is never right. We want our lives to be together. It is so hard, because we both have our respective lives where we live. Neither of us can just up and drop everything. It takes a type of finesse, a lot of planning, and a lot of pain.
Can you meet me halfway? Right at the borderline is where I'm going to wait for you. I'll be looking out night and day. I took my heart to the limit and this is where I stay. I can't go any further than this. I want you so bad it's my only wish.
Yep, one second out of sync from the rest of the universe.
And it's always the little things. Being at the bank too early, getting home too late, trying to answer the phone one ring too late...etcetera, etcetera.
Ever listened to Meet Me Halfway by the Black Eyed Peas? If you have, and you really listen to the lyrics, that is me. That is my theme song of my life and my relationship. If you haven't heard it, I suggest you do.
I wish circumstances with my relationship with Ryan were so much different. The timing is never right...Eastern to Pacific is somewhat of a pain to deal with. The location is never right. We want our lives to be together. It is so hard, because we both have our respective lives where we live. Neither of us can just up and drop everything. It takes a type of finesse, a lot of planning, and a lot of pain.
Can you meet me halfway? Right at the borderline is where I'm going to wait for you. I'll be looking out night and day. I took my heart to the limit and this is where I stay. I can't go any further than this. I want you so bad it's my only wish.
Yep, one second out of sync from the rest of the universe.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Living Two Lives
Most of this evening was spent dealing with working on divorce papers. I promised myself and my readers I wouldn't get too detailed into my divorce proceedings, but it's relevant. My parents, my sister, and myself were all gathered around the table starting to fill out my papers. The-evil-man-in-question is actually going to be filing, but he questions everything, and it takes him forever to figure out the most simplest of things. My parents and I decided to help him "start" the paperwork, doing most of the legwork, and making sure I was protected.
Sitting around this table I wanted three things. One, a shot of tequila. My dad gave me the stink eye when I suggested this. Two, Ryan to be with me, next to me, just for moral support. I don't want him to get involved in this nasty divorce...it's not really his problem. But I just wanted him to be there for me to punch when I was angry at the situation, and to hold my hand. Three, I really didn't want to be there at all. I wanted to be somewhere else entirely.
Every second I was able to, I was on my iPhone texting Ryan. Much to the displeasure of my mother and my sister. But it helped me keep a slight amount of sanity. I wish this was like an online game or a science fiction story, because there are things called teleports. I would have teleported right out to be in his arms. Forgetting the failure of this life and concentrating on what is giving me happiness now.
Happiness....well that is somewhat relative. I am so happy. Happier than I thought I would ever be. But at the same time I am being tortured with being so far away. The one thing in this life I want....well we all know the answer to this.
It's actually one of the main reasons for my foul mood. I really could care less about my divorce. It's a formality. The worst part about it is that it takes away time I can spend with Ryan...in our little texting/online space. I am in a foul mood because I cannot be the one place I want to be. I have everything here in Sacramento that would make me happy.........except Ryan.
Back in the beginning of this month when Ryan came to visit, we were sitting on my cat hair coated futon watching Doctor Who on my computer. He has always loved my writing. He turned to me and said that I should use that talent to write a book about our relationship. Well, sitting down to write a novel isn't really my idea of a smashing evening...because I would sit and just keep writing. Sure, there are things that haven't happened yet.
So what better than a blog? A way to write everything down as it happens, and so if for some reason I decide that writing a book is my goal in life, here it all is. In it's freshest of memories, with the emotions loud and the words a true portrayal of what is going through my mind. Wouldn't that be nice? My name under a book title...a book that holds within it's covers one of the happiest and most turmoil ridden moments of my life.
One can dream, right?
Sitting around this table I wanted three things. One, a shot of tequila. My dad gave me the stink eye when I suggested this. Two, Ryan to be with me, next to me, just for moral support. I don't want him to get involved in this nasty divorce...it's not really his problem. But I just wanted him to be there for me to punch when I was angry at the situation, and to hold my hand. Three, I really didn't want to be there at all. I wanted to be somewhere else entirely.
Every second I was able to, I was on my iPhone texting Ryan. Much to the displeasure of my mother and my sister. But it helped me keep a slight amount of sanity. I wish this was like an online game or a science fiction story, because there are things called teleports. I would have teleported right out to be in his arms. Forgetting the failure of this life and concentrating on what is giving me happiness now.
Happiness....well that is somewhat relative. I am so happy. Happier than I thought I would ever be. But at the same time I am being tortured with being so far away. The one thing in this life I want....well we all know the answer to this.
It's actually one of the main reasons for my foul mood. I really could care less about my divorce. It's a formality. The worst part about it is that it takes away time I can spend with Ryan...in our little texting/online space. I am in a foul mood because I cannot be the one place I want to be. I have everything here in Sacramento that would make me happy.........except Ryan.
Back in the beginning of this month when Ryan came to visit, we were sitting on my cat hair coated futon watching Doctor Who on my computer. He has always loved my writing. He turned to me and said that I should use that talent to write a book about our relationship. Well, sitting down to write a novel isn't really my idea of a smashing evening...because I would sit and just keep writing. Sure, there are things that haven't happened yet.
So what better than a blog? A way to write everything down as it happens, and so if for some reason I decide that writing a book is my goal in life, here it all is. In it's freshest of memories, with the emotions loud and the words a true portrayal of what is going through my mind. Wouldn't that be nice? My name under a book title...a book that holds within it's covers one of the happiest and most turmoil ridden moments of my life.
One can dream, right?
Dreams
I'm not sure if my mind is trying to rationalize the reasoning behind why Ryan and I are so far away...but I have some of the most intense dreams. And in these dreams there is always something standing in our way.
Whether it is a job, a person, or something completely random, that element is always present. Lately, it seems we've been able to overcome this in my dreams. I hope it is a foreshadowing of what is to come in our lives together.
In reality, our enemy is distance. 2,000 miles apart. Is my mind trying to put a face on an inanimate object or what...but I wake up in the weirdest emotional state. Almost a frantic state of having to be at his side...
And now work will stand in my way. I must go make a living.
Whether it is a job, a person, or something completely random, that element is always present. Lately, it seems we've been able to overcome this in my dreams. I hope it is a foreshadowing of what is to come in our lives together.
In reality, our enemy is distance. 2,000 miles apart. Is my mind trying to put a face on an inanimate object or what...but I wake up in the weirdest emotional state. Almost a frantic state of having to be at his side...
And now work will stand in my way. I must go make a living.
Friday, December 25, 2009
The Beginning
I got married June 3, 2006. He was the love of my life....
...or so I thought.
In September of 2009, things crumbled and fell apart. There were events long ago that probably affected this, but that is not the purpose of this blog.
After he left me, my life fell apart. I would be in bed at night, screaming, throwing myself against the wall, the floor...anything solid. I loved this man so much. Come to find out, I was a codependent wife. I was trying to make a relationship that was forged out of nothing be everything...if you know what I mean.
I learned so much about myself. I was changing myself for a man that could never love me for who I was. I was changing myself into someone I didn't even recognize.
I play an online role playing game, Perfect World. I play this game with loads of friends. With happens of chance, a couple months ago, one of my avatars ended up in a guild. A few days later, I ended up in the Ventrilo server for this guild. The first voice I heard was a deep voice saying "Hello." in a slight southern drawl. I didn't even know who this person was.
Days went by, maybe even weeks. I'm not even sure. I was in such an emotional haze I lost track of time. All I know is I was drawn to this voice. I looked at the picture attached to this voice, and honestly, I was highly unimpressed. Almost turned me off, to be honest.
But I kept talking to him. I couldn't stop talking to him.
And on a very fateful day where my divorce came to a head, and I decided to down two bottles of wine, while playing Perfect World. And the person I was playing with was the sexy slight southern drawl boy......
And I unloaded a good portion of my life, pretty wasted, to a stranger.
My friend Robin told me the next day that this said stranger was worried about me, because of my drunken tangents and the way I left. All day at work I was concerned and wanted to make sure he didn't think poorly of me.....or even worse.....stop talking to me.
I talked to him that night. Everything was okay. And almost was back to normal. Except something changed. I couldn't even put my finger on it...but something was different.
The talking continued. Delving into personal stories and pasts....and we came to know each other well.
His name is Ryan.
My dad told me when my husband first left me that a shining knight would ride up on a steed and sweep me off my feet. I didn't want to hear it. In fact, I hoped it didn't happen. I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want to feel again. In fact, I didn't want to be....period.
The talking continued, and then love was professed. Love that was forbidden, me "technically" still being married, and being across the country. I was so scared. And then we decided to meet in person. At first, I was going to fly out to my parents house in February and we were going to arrange a meeting.
But that wasn't soon enough. No, no.
On December 4th, 2009, a plane arrived in Sacramento, California. That plane carried Ryan. I had to get up early, very early for my standards. I was sitting at the AM/PM, checking the flight status every minute. I was so nervous. I didn't know what to think, what to expect. We had chatted with voice/cam several times. But this was different.
I checked the flight status with my iPhone one more time....and then the phone died. So much for improved battery power, right? I was in panic mode at this point. I was going to use said phone to pinpoint his exact location at the pickup area. My palms started to sweat, I was shaking.
I made the decision to drive to the terminal and try to pinpoint him out of the crowd. It was a rather busy day at the airport. I thought I spotted him a few times...but he knew what my car looked like, and I was looking for a blond haired blue eyed gorgeous man to be waving at me. That didn't come. My shaking got worse. My fear intensified. I decided it would be better to park and try and find him in person, rather than driving in my car.
My eyes were darting frantically behind my sunglasses as I crossed the road to the terminal. I was scanning each and every face...looking at all glances passed my way. I was hoping I would see something.
I stared in despair. I didn't see what I needed. I feared that he would give up. My phone was going straight to voice mail and my car was no longer driving around the circle. I had no idea where to go. I almost gave up. With my last glance before I walked to my car, I saw a glimpse of recognition in someone else's eyes. I watched cautiously...
And he came straight to me. It was him. It was Ryan. He was walking towards me. My heart was pounding at a rate that doctors would have been afraid. My body started shaking in a way I have never felt. And then he touched me....and our lips touched.
I had to get out of this public place. Public vulnerability is not one of my favorite things.
Between then and now is really history. Meeting a few of my friends, small arguments, cuddling, and crying as I put him back on a plane. In utter disrepair for him being across the country....
I never wanted to be in a relationship again....not to mention a long distance one. And I find myself head over heals for this man. More so than the man I was expecting to be the rest of my life.
Today is Christmas, and more than anything, I want to be in his arms. I have never been this happy and unhappy. Period.
In less than 2 weeks I will be in his arms. But that is not soon enough, and every night is torture. I'm not flinging myself against solid objects, that's for sure. But I am flinging myself into the very dark corners of my mind.
And this begins the story of Ryan Ward and Heather Karnatz....the long journey of an online relationship that will grow into something more, but at this moment it feels like an eternal place of torture.
...or so I thought.
In September of 2009, things crumbled and fell apart. There were events long ago that probably affected this, but that is not the purpose of this blog.
After he left me, my life fell apart. I would be in bed at night, screaming, throwing myself against the wall, the floor...anything solid. I loved this man so much. Come to find out, I was a codependent wife. I was trying to make a relationship that was forged out of nothing be everything...if you know what I mean.
I learned so much about myself. I was changing myself for a man that could never love me for who I was. I was changing myself into someone I didn't even recognize.
I play an online role playing game, Perfect World. I play this game with loads of friends. With happens of chance, a couple months ago, one of my avatars ended up in a guild. A few days later, I ended up in the Ventrilo server for this guild. The first voice I heard was a deep voice saying "Hello." in a slight southern drawl. I didn't even know who this person was.
Days went by, maybe even weeks. I'm not even sure. I was in such an emotional haze I lost track of time. All I know is I was drawn to this voice. I looked at the picture attached to this voice, and honestly, I was highly unimpressed. Almost turned me off, to be honest.
But I kept talking to him. I couldn't stop talking to him.
And on a very fateful day where my divorce came to a head, and I decided to down two bottles of wine, while playing Perfect World. And the person I was playing with was the sexy slight southern drawl boy......
And I unloaded a good portion of my life, pretty wasted, to a stranger.
My friend Robin told me the next day that this said stranger was worried about me, because of my drunken tangents and the way I left. All day at work I was concerned and wanted to make sure he didn't think poorly of me.....or even worse.....stop talking to me.
I talked to him that night. Everything was okay. And almost was back to normal. Except something changed. I couldn't even put my finger on it...but something was different.
The talking continued. Delving into personal stories and pasts....and we came to know each other well.
His name is Ryan.
My dad told me when my husband first left me that a shining knight would ride up on a steed and sweep me off my feet. I didn't want to hear it. In fact, I hoped it didn't happen. I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want to feel again. In fact, I didn't want to be....period.
The talking continued, and then love was professed. Love that was forbidden, me "technically" still being married, and being across the country. I was so scared. And then we decided to meet in person. At first, I was going to fly out to my parents house in February and we were going to arrange a meeting.
But that wasn't soon enough. No, no.
On December 4th, 2009, a plane arrived in Sacramento, California. That plane carried Ryan. I had to get up early, very early for my standards. I was sitting at the AM/PM, checking the flight status every minute. I was so nervous. I didn't know what to think, what to expect. We had chatted with voice/cam several times. But this was different.
I checked the flight status with my iPhone one more time....and then the phone died. So much for improved battery power, right? I was in panic mode at this point. I was going to use said phone to pinpoint his exact location at the pickup area. My palms started to sweat, I was shaking.
I made the decision to drive to the terminal and try to pinpoint him out of the crowd. It was a rather busy day at the airport. I thought I spotted him a few times...but he knew what my car looked like, and I was looking for a blond haired blue eyed gorgeous man to be waving at me. That didn't come. My shaking got worse. My fear intensified. I decided it would be better to park and try and find him in person, rather than driving in my car.
My eyes were darting frantically behind my sunglasses as I crossed the road to the terminal. I was scanning each and every face...looking at all glances passed my way. I was hoping I would see something.
I stared in despair. I didn't see what I needed. I feared that he would give up. My phone was going straight to voice mail and my car was no longer driving around the circle. I had no idea where to go. I almost gave up. With my last glance before I walked to my car, I saw a glimpse of recognition in someone else's eyes. I watched cautiously...
And he came straight to me. It was him. It was Ryan. He was walking towards me. My heart was pounding at a rate that doctors would have been afraid. My body started shaking in a way I have never felt. And then he touched me....and our lips touched.
I had to get out of this public place. Public vulnerability is not one of my favorite things.
Between then and now is really history. Meeting a few of my friends, small arguments, cuddling, and crying as I put him back on a plane. In utter disrepair for him being across the country....
I never wanted to be in a relationship again....not to mention a long distance one. And I find myself head over heals for this man. More so than the man I was expecting to be the rest of my life.
Today is Christmas, and more than anything, I want to be in his arms. I have never been this happy and unhappy. Period.
In less than 2 weeks I will be in his arms. But that is not soon enough, and every night is torture. I'm not flinging myself against solid objects, that's for sure. But I am flinging myself into the very dark corners of my mind.
And this begins the story of Ryan Ward and Heather Karnatz....the long journey of an online relationship that will grow into something more, but at this moment it feels like an eternal place of torture.
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