Need You Now

This was the hardest goodbye ever.

Throughout the visit, we were joking about him not leaving.

Then it became a serious discussion. And serious consideration.

And then we were running late for the airport.

He almost didn't get into the car, but he did.

He almost didn't go into the terminal, but he did.

He almost got off the plane, but he didn't.

He tried to go back in LA, but couldn't.

The next morning when I woke up, and I was alone, my entire universe pulsed. You know, the sci-fi "building up pressure and releasing with a sonic-boom noise" pulse. Was it a dream? Was it real? What is real? After about an hour of moping around my house, I came to the conclusion that it was real. And I woke up into a nightmare.

Finding out later things I could have done to make him stay. Which then leads to another large moral dilemma.

What is right?

Ignoring responsibilities in the name of each other, not having to deal with the heartbreak, and dealing with the responsibilities later. Him not going home to his daughter, his job, his home, and taking care of the loose ends. But, it would be in the name of love. Being with each other and dealing with life and responsibilities together.

Or...

Ignoring each other in the name of responsibilities. Leaving each other with heartache, longing, and depression. Taking care of the loose ends and not sure when we'll see each other again.

Is it better to turn your back on love in the name of life? Or turn your back on life in the name of love?

I don't know what's right anymore. I know in my mind what the more responsible adult decision is, but my heart is screaming the opposite. My heart is winning, and I say screw responsibilities. Screw the loose ends. Screw it all. As long as we're together, it will all fall into place.

I have never been in such a state of turmoil. My entire life is a giant fog when he's gone.

He can say that it will be soon, that he'll never leave again, etc etc....but honestly, it doesn't help one ounce. Knowing that I could have said or done something to make the outcome more to my liking makes me hate myself and hate my life.

Hell, my cats are still wandering around looking for him.

I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. I don't know if I would even call it pain right now. It's an emptiness. My heart shattered into billions of pieces barely held together....like a fragile small glass item that shattered on the floor. "How can so much glass come from that small piece?" You know what I'm talking about.

I don't think my heart will truly exist until he's back. And hell, I don't even know when that is.

I Can't Get You Outta My Head

I am still in absolute awe that Ryan and I are so in tune with each other. It really is somewhat scary at times. We say the same thing at the same time on the same subject. He knows when my mood changes before I do. He knows what's on my mind without me having to mutter a word.

I have never had this connection before. It's funny, we will be completely silent and then blurt out something completely random at the same time. I always joke and tell him to get out of my head. But really? It is the most amazing thing I have ever felt. We can be sitting there together on a couch or in a restaurant and having some of the most intense conversations without saying a word. Or, we could be talking about some of the most trivial things...the weather, actors, movies, and still be having a very deep and emotional conversation. We don't even have to look at each other.

I think I know that this is what true love is supposed to be like. But, like every human being on the planet and beyond, I still have doubts. I thought before that I found true love. What's to say that this isn't either? It feels like it in every fiber of my being, but after my most recent failed relationship, I really don't trust my own judgment sometimes.

Every day I'm trusting Ryan more and more. Every day I'm trusting myself more and more. Every day I'm trusting our relationship more and more. I'm believing in promises again, and even starting to look ahead into the near future. Something I haven't done in a very long time.

You know what's even more amazing, Ryan and I have been together for 4 months now, and have spent only ~20 days of that together. We are like this with that little physical interaction.

I have gone through quite a bit this past week. I worked myself to death. When I wasn't working, car dealers were trying to screw me. Long story short, trading down my Prius (no, not because of the recalls). A few dealers gave me the run around. I finally found out that the main reason I couldn't get financed is because I'm still technically married and have a lot of joint debt. I couldn't prove that I wasn't responsible for ~90% of it because my ex husband hasn't filed for divorce yet. Therefore, there is no court order. Through creativity with my family, I did get another car. The hard part was I really wanted Ryan to be here with me to do it. But I needed to do it now. First of all, I am an incredibly impatient person (Miss Impatient Pants is Ryan's new nick for me). Second, if I got rid of the Prius and got a new loan in the right timing, I wouldn't have a car payment this month, which would allow me to catch up on some bills.

All in all, it worked out in the end and I have a decent car. I just wish Ryan would have been here to keep these stupid leacher dealers from trying to swindle me.

I love Ryan so much.

Reality

Sometimes, accepting what is and not dwelling on what it could be is a really hard practice to follow. It's part of several guidelines I put forward for myself (with the help of an ancient religion) to help myself. I try and help myself be happy with what I have and not always crave more. Most of the time, more is not always better.

This time, this is not the case. At least it doesn't appear to be on the surface. I am really trying to accept what it is. The distance and the time.

There was a very large disappointment this week. Ryan was going to be here on the 10th. Circumstances outside any real control happened. And although his visit is only pushed back by a week, it is the end of the world. The only thing that keeps me going is looking forward to the next time I get to see him. I literally count in seconds. The fact that my second timer has increased by 604,800 seconds breaks me. I think its worse that there is absolutely nothing we could do about it, well, save winning the lottery or magically finding $400 on the street.

I am usually able to control my rage meter pretty well. I thought that I had it under control in this circumstance as well...until I picked up a can and threw it as hard as I could into my recycle box. And then it followed with anything recyclable that I could get my hands on. I'm really surprised the bottles didn't break. Boulder Brewing Co. uses some pretty strong bottles....

I have completely filled up my schedule for next week. Working 5 days and heading up to Reno for a CE on Dentistry. I really didn't realize I had done it until I sat there and looked at what my week would look like. I am subconsciously trying to occupy myself to the point of exhaustion so I can't think about it. Or to make time go by faster.

It seems like nothing goes right when you really need or want it to. There were other disappointments and emotional roller coasters this week that I really didn't need. I'm sure these didn't help my rage meter either. Every time I have an emotional issue I am trying to deal with, it makes it 100x harder to deal with when Ryan isn't around. Again, rage meter. Then, I try and rationalize with myself and tell myself that everything happens for a reason. Screw reason. Rage meter.

Maybe it is the selfish part of my existence that won't let me accept what is without a fight. I just really don't want to fight.