Time

You know that Einstein saying that talks about time? How having your hand on a hot burner for one minute feels like an hour, and one hour with your hands on a hot woman feels like a minute? I have always understood this saying to a point.

But with everything that has happened in my life the past few months, I not only understand it, I feel it. The closer it gets to the time I get to see Ryan, the more agonizing, long, and drawn out it really is. And I know when I actually get there, time will pass by way too fast.

It's such torture. I want to be with Ryan and spend time with him. But there's always that nagging in the back of my head that I will have to leave. I hate leaving.

Although this month is a lot better, with me being out with him for a week and then him coming out here 2 days later for Valentine's week.

But still, the nagging is still there. There will be another undefinate time period in which we will be apart, again.

I will try and cherish the time we are together like it won't end (temporarily), but it's still hard. This is harder than going through a divorce. But, I have a very strong feeling....knowing....that it will be worth it.

Snail Mail

I haven't been able to write lately. I've hit a writer's block, and everyone who writes can understand this.

After leaving North Carolina and Ryan behind, my world doesn't seem as bright and shiny anymore. After having the closeness, then getting used to it being gone....well....it's understandable.

A couple days after I got back to California, I wrote Ryan a letter. The good old style...snail mail, hand written, and heartfelt. The hardest part is that it takes so long for it to be delivered! With Sundays and holidays, and the USPS taking days off, the letter took almost a week to get there. Originally, I wasn't going to tell him that I had sent him a letter. I wanted him to be surprised. But I was so excited about it that I finally had to tell him. Of course, I didn't tell him what it said. By that point I had forgotten some of its contents anyway.

On Martin Luther King, Jr's holiday Monday, he was having a really bad day. We had an argument the night before, work was irritating him, and he was suffering from a severe lack of sleep. I had forgotten it was a holiday, and I was hoping the letter would be in his mail box that day to help cheer him up. I couldn't be there personally to help his mood, so I was hoping this would be something special.

I have never hated Martin Luther King, Jr so much. The letter stayed wherever it was, loaded on some delivery truck ready to be delivered. Not where it really needed to be.

Of course, it was delivered the next day. He read it to me over ventrilo that night. I started crying. Not just tears, but almost sobbing. My own heart was breaking over its own words. Talking about some of the most special memories I have from when I was with him. Feeling his hands putting my necklace on. Feeling his breath on my skin. Singing Fireflies.

I feel like a broken record, but no one really knows how painful a long distance relationship is until you are in one. When you experience the pain of being so far away, but joy from finding someone so special. Some days, the joy is more than the pain. On other days, the pain is more than the joy.

Some days I dread seeing him again on a temporary basis, because I dread leaving. I dread feeling the pain of walking away when that is the exact opposite of what I want to do. I know that there will be a permanent fix to a temporary problem, but I have a hard time seeing it, believing it, trusting it....

My own insecurities get in the way of that. I have had so many promises made and broken to me, that I really do not take a promise at face value. I expect it to be broken. Ryan is really helping me see that he really does keep promises, and every day I expect it to be broken less and less.

The day will come, no matter how near or far in the future (since it's all relative) when he is here with me.

Vanilla Twilight

This song was written for us, it had to be.

Vanilla Twilight by Owl City

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Distance

I am so happy with my relationship with Ryan, but at the same time I am extremely unhappy. There are things that regular couples take for granted. Sharing the little things in life. Cuddling watching a movie, giggling over a random fact, staring into each others eyes...you get the picture.

Sure, technology has advanced enough that we can talk like we're sitting next to each other. Ventrilo, Windows Live, webcams, telephones, email, text messages. The one thing technology cannot do is allow us to touch. That is one of the biggest tortures that I am having a hard time dealing with. I can see and hear Ryan at the same time, but I cannot reach out and put my hand on his face.

There are times in life when you just need someone next to you. Sharing your pain, comforting you when you're down, holding you when you've had a bad day.

I am trying really hard to let the technology be enough.

Being with Ryan, I fall into a routine. It's such an easy routine. We just fit together like pieces in a puzzle. I think thats one of the main reasons it was so hard to leave. Getting into that routine, and then being shoved back into a routine without him at my side.

I've had some feedback from people that are halfway close to me that Ryan and I are moving too fast. How can you move fast with 2,000 miles between each other?! It might be that I'm not really going into details of our relationship too much...I'm not sure. I really do not want to hear opinions on my relationship, or the speed that it is moving rather. Therefore, I do not go into extreme details on feelings. People tend to have this word rebound stuck in their head. I had my rebound, a couple of them actually, but that's history. I know what I want, I know what I need.

I told Jeremy before he left that all I wanted was the person I'm with to be able to love and cherish me. I realized at this point those are the basics. And I realized after spending so much time with Ryan that I never really had that kind of devotion.

I didn't realize before this that I really haven't wanted to give that kind devotion either.

Internal Conflict

Throughout my life, I have experienced emotional pain. I do not handle emotional pain well.

I left North Carolina today. I knew it would hurt, but I wasn't prepared for it. This is the second time Ryan and I have had to say goodbye to each other. I don't know why, but when he left Sacramento a month ago, I really didn't hurt this bad. Maybe because our relationship has grown so much more in the past month, I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I was leaving and I didn't want to. Maybe it was a combination of it all.

All I know is this emotional pain, like it tends manifest for me, is causing physical discomfort. Or maybe I'm still feeling this flu bug.

I am just a crying and uncomfortable mess. I have tried in the past to make myself resilient to emotional pain. It seems to not have taken in this situation. And I know this really isn't the worst emotional pain I've been in, but it feels like it. Maybe because my heart is swelling with love and breaking at the same time. It's like an infection...a cat abscess....it feels so good to be ruptured, but hurts so bad.

I had to really hold onto the sane part of my head today. Other parts of my mind started to take over and I didn't want to leave. I had to have a fight with myself. I almost stayed. The consequences of that decision would have been colossal. I don't care.

I need to have a disability deal for a few days...you know when you go into the hospital and have a procedure done and they tell you not to make any major legal, financial, life changing decisions for the next so many hours? Yeah.

I am so scared. I am in so much pain. I am so in love.

Leaving

As hard as I try, the closer it gets until my plane takes off, I get more and more sad.

I have never been a parent. Though I claim to be a "parent" to my cats, it really isn't the same. Everyone who is a parent knows this, and everyone who loves their animals understands this. I met Ryan's daughter for the first time starting Thursday evening. All of a sudden, I have a 12 year old girl, daughter of the one I love, looking to me.

I have never been with anyone with children. In fact, when I met someone with children, I usually shied and ran far, far, far, away.

I knew Ryan had a daughter before we even started talking to each other. For some reason, I wasn't worried about it.

After we met in person, I started worrying more about his daughter. You've seen the blog about it.

I met her. I talked to her. I brushed her hair. I rode horses with her. I tickled her father with her. I played video games with her. I cooked for her. I made bracelets with her. I shared music and book interests with her.

I am so attached to this little girl. She is me. She found out that I was leaving tomorrow. I am sure she didn't think I was staying forever, but at the same time, the earth stood still when we spent time together. After that, frankly, she became a spoiled brat. She started the "I'm a jealous almost teenager!!!!!" routine. We all know it, we've all done it.

I really didn't pinpoint the cause of this bratiness in the beginning. Maybe because I don't know her, maybe because I'm not a parent yet. And even after Ryan voiced his opinion of the situation, I still doubted it.

He talked to her and something changed. I then realized I was so sad to leave this little girl. My heart broke that she has to deal with another maternal figure leaving her life.

I'm trying not to think about tomorrow. The pain might break me even more than I already am.

Romance

It was like a scene from a cheesy romance movie. The fire crackling, cuddling under a blanket, and sipping red wine. It was absolute heaven.

I will tell you, I have never been properly romanced. Ever. I have actually done most of the romancing. Men have tried, and failed hard.

While we were cuddling next to the fire, Ryan gave me my birthday present a day early. He picked this out before we even discussed this type of item. It's amazing, because there's this connection...and he got me a piece of jewelry that I would have picked out myself.

All the times I have been given jewelry, I had to do some serious serious hint dropping. And even then, it was pretty fail.

I have never really been connected with someone before like this. I mean I thought I sort of was before, but now with these new experiences, I realized that the connection was really a one way connection.

This. Is. Amazing.

Contentment

I've been at Ryan's for almost 24 hours. I started coming down with a cough the night before I left. Wednesday I felt pretty punky, but didn't care, wanted to be on a plane anyway.

Well, in the past 24 hours, my sinuses have become involved, and evidently I am running a fever. But, I would rather be on death's bed and be here with Ryan than be at home and completely healthy. Having him here to kiss my forehead and telling me that I'm running a temperature is one of the best things ever.

Being in a long distance relationship, you miss out on a lot of the small things. Last night, we watched the second Night at the Museum, and just cuddled in the chair. It was amazing. Then we put Up in, and he fell asleep about 10 minutes into the movie. I had the pleasure of being able to sit with him and watch him sleep...running my fingers through his hair. I hope that my brain was able to snap a life long snap shot of that moment...because it's one of the most wonderful things I have ever experienced.

We are supposed to go up to Crossville to surprise my dad this weekend. I hope everything works out with the weather and this little illness to make it happen. I want my parents to meet the person who has made me so happy when my life was in such turmoil. It's in turmoil now, but for completely different reasons.

I'm trying not to think about Monday when I have to go home, but it's going to hurt so much.

True...

It's always an amazing feeling to be able to move past an argument. And to learn something about each other in the process is a bonus. Every little argument that Ryan and I have has been constructive, for the most part. Being able to move past something, even small, means so much to me right now.

The only thing that really drives me nuts is that after an argument, we are still so far away. We can't hold and cuddle each other afterward. And there's no make up sex. We all know how important make up sex is. And how awesome it is.

The good thing, 2 days, 22 hours and 3 minutes my plane will be leaving for North Carolina.

Is it time yet?

Keeping the Peace

My friend is in trouble. My boyfriend needs attention. I try to satisfy both by talking with them both at the same time.

I have known said friend since I was a senior in high school. We have gone through so much. In this time that he needs, I have to be there for him. He has been there for me in every trial I've had since I've met him. And they were many.

Trying to balance the two is wearing on my soul. But the most odd thing is I'm not angry about Ryan getting jealous. To be honest, I'm more at peace tonight than I have been in a long time. I am highly confused because I should be in turmoil.

I think right now, tonight, everything is going out to my friend. I can't help it. I can't change it. 8 years versus 2 months. I have to be there for my friend.

I don't know what else I can do. There really is nothing I can do.

This really may be the end. The hardest part is there is nothing to do to change it.