If only my arms reached 2,000 miles...

Lately, aspects of my life have been dragging me down. It makes my artistic flow stop. My muse lives 2,000 miles away. All I want to do is curl up in his arms and let him take it all away.

It's really odd. My mind has stopped all forward momentum. I'm stuck in the here and now, and although that can be a good thing, it really isn't. I know that dwelling in the past or in the future, you miss out on a lot of your life. The here and now is what life is all about. But, the here and now doesn't have Ryan next to me.

Ryan asked me to try and think of the different dreams I have, and time frames that I want them to occur. My mind is so stuck in a rut that I can't even remember my dreams. The fact that I gave up on most of my dreams ever coming true might also have an effect, but I'm not really sure.

Being stuck in this rut has put a real strain on my abilities to function in some areas. I'm so concentrated on spending every second I can talking to Ryan, I let other things slide. My house has been a disaster for the past few months. I would rather step over things and be able to talk to Ryan than having a spotless house and not being able to talk to him as much. I finally did some things today that helped me feel a little bit more productive...but one room out of my house isn't much. I have also managed to fix my computer, for the moment. But not having a computer that ran like my big machine was really starting to get on my nerves, in a really bad way.

I've never been so numb, but have so many feelings at the same time. I am currently devoid of a lot of emotion. I did have a mental rage over something completely unrelated, but it was the lack of rationalization that caused me to cut some things loose out of my life. I can rationalize it, but I can't at the same time.

As it is coming through in my writing, I'm a jumble of a whole bunch of nothing.

I just want to feel his warmth and lose myself in him. The fact that I can't makes me want to hibernate and remove myself from everything until I can.

Maybe I should try going to the gym tomorrow.

My Heart Flew Away to North Carolina

I dropped Ryan off at the airport. I was able to fight back the tears until he got out of the car. As I turned and watched him walk away, the dam broke and they all flowed forth. Putting my head down in defeat, I jammed my car into drive, turned my stereo up, and drove out of the airport. Leaving my heart at the Delta airlines check in area.

I was hungry. And my mind flashed back to us and food. We always have amazing food together. And amazing discussions about food. Shaking myself back to the present, I tried imagining different fast food that I like. Nothing sounded good. In fact, it sounded disgusting. I had this nasty taste in my mouth. With tears staining my face, I finally found something I thought I could tolerate. Taco Bell. And eating it, it tasted terrible. With defeat, I closed my eyes and slept. Sleep is the only time I get some relief.

When Ryan and I are together, it's magic. Time disappears and nothing else matters except each other. We don't even have to speak. Our eyes tell each other everything that matters. I see so much in his eyes, it's amazing. I have never been able to look in someone's eyes and see so much. Life is so perfect when we're together. Sure we have our little arguments, but they are always constructive. When we find ourselves at the time when we part ways to our respective lives without each other, it feels like all forward movement in our relationship halts.

Which brings me to my next point....

Everyone knows that Ryan has a daughter. Everyone also knows that I have never been with anyone with a child. I know that she is jealous of me, especially when I'm around her. Stealing her father's affection. Although I am more mature (at least I think so) than a 12 year old, I am jealous of her. I'm not jealous of Ryan spending time with her or any of that sort, but I'm jealous at the fact that it's the most major hurdle standing in the way of Ryan being here with me. My future with Ryan is depending on a 12 year old.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be in her life. She is an amazing girl and is the mirror image of me at that age.

Why did I fall in love with someone 2,000 miles away? Fate is such a bitch.

Gamers

**The following was written Feb. 8 1pm Central at the Nashville International Airport**

Most people know that Ryan and I met playing Perfect World International, a MMORPG. During my visit to North Carolina and Tennessee this trip, we kept making fun of each other's physical personality traits in comparison to our in game personalites. For example, Ryan's character is a Barbarian. Big, strong, and a protector. My character is a Cleric. The healer. As I spent time thinking about our characters personalities, we really do share the same traits in the physical realm. One big thing I've noticed is how much stronger than me he is. I really have never experienced anything like it. I'm not weak or dainty by any means, well, for a girl. But he can overpower me with one finger.

He also has mentioned how well I can help him control his temper and relax him. That sounds like a cleric, doesn't it? There are other aspects as well, but that would end up being an entire book on personality traits and why gamers choose the classes they do.

I never really noticed the comparison in my own personality to my gaming persona. Until this week that is. Seeing what effect I have on Ryan without even trying. He really is the tank and I really am the healer. It is just something that baffles me.

Spending time with Ryan was absolutely amazing this week. Now, we're apart for 2 days. The longest 2 days. Time really is relative.

But being away from him makes me wonder if this is really real. It feels so perfect when I'm with him, it can't possibly be reality, can it? Being around him in just the daily routine...it feels like I fell asleep for a very long, realistic, and very cruel dream. I wake up when he is not near me, and my heart is in a million pieces. Trying to remember every single second of the time we spent together, and just like a dream, the memories slowly fade. Details become fuzzy and I cannot paint the picture of his face close to mine. I cannot feel his fingers touching my skin. I cannot hear his voice or his whisper in my ear.

Sometimes I see someone, hear something, or smell something...and I have to stop. Everything around me moves in slow motion and disappears. I look around frantically trying to find him. The realization sets in that he really isn't near me, and I'm standing still with my heart racing amongst a giant crowd. Catching my breath and wiping away a tear, I continue on. Trying to push out the pain.

I'm sitting here in the Nashville airport, cursing them for charging for WiFi, and typing in WordPad. There were so many things I needed to get out. There's more, but this crazy power sucking laptop won't be able to stay alive long enough for me to type everything.

Two is Better Than One

The time Ryan and I spend apart is an eternity, but when we are together again, it feels like we were never apart in the first place. We just fall into that same routine again with each other. I have never had a relationship feel so easy and perfect. Most of the time when we are together, we don't even have to say anything. We just know.

I just feel so comfortable, so complete, and so content.

The biggest hurdle that Ryan and I have had to try and tackle together, besides distance, is his daughter. I was trying to tell him before I first met her that she will have a 12 year old mentality about it. He really didn't want to believe me, but I was right.

The first time, the biggest issue she had was me leaving. I can understand that. I wish there was something I could have done before I left...well I wish I didn't have to leave in the first place.

Now, it's a jealousy. Sharing daddy. She has been daddy's number 1 girl for several years, and now she's having to share his time, attention, and affection with someone else. Someone she hardly knows.

I'm really trying hard to keep the opinions and attitude of a 12 year old interfere with my relationship with Ryan, but it is extremely hard. I usually care about opinions most people have about me like I care about a speck of dirt on the ground. There are opinions that matter...your boss, your family, your closest friends, your lover...and that's about the extent of opinions I care about.

I think I'm trying to figure out of her opinion of me should matter to me. I go back and forth on it. Sometimes I feel real inadequate, targeted, and hurt. Other times I feel irritated about it. I'm trying to figure out which one, if either, is correct.

Last night after dinner at Waffle House, I was sitting in Ryan's computer room. My laptop is on the coffee table and my back is really not enjoying sitting on the floor. She came in and told me she was really sorry for how she was acting and how she isn't meaning to. I thought this was really sweet and it made my chest swell a little bit. At the same time, I'm expecting the same pessimism that she's been displaying to return and subside in waves.

I was 12 once. I know the way the 12 year old female brain works. I also know that it will get worse. I am sure that when Ryan picks her up and moves her to California, we will see a lot of what we're seeing now, plus some. Being pulled away from everything she knows and is comfortable with. California will be like a different country to her, and she will have some serious culture shock. I am seeing some acting out in her future as well. California is good for that.

Life isn't always roses, rainbows, butterflies, and kittens. It does make it easier to deal with things like this though.