Love

I love Ryan for his mind, it challenges me.

I love Ryan for his eyes, to them, I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

I love Ryan for his ears, because they listen to everything I have to say.

I love Ryan for his lips and mouth, because they say some of the most amazing things to me.

I love Ryan for his chest and arms, because they shield me from the dangers of the world.

I love Ryan for his heart, because it loves me unconditionally.

I love Ryan for his legs and feet, because they walk next to me in life.

After he's been here for a few weeks, I cannot imagine him without me. If I think back to the days where we were 2,500 miles apart, I almost rage. Although I'm sure it was a very important building block in our relationship, we missed out on so much of each others lives. Thinking about him doing day to day tasks without me by his side just feels so wrong. It just feels so natural to be by his side. I tell you, I have never had the urge to fight for something as much as I do now. I will fight with my last breath to keep him in my life.

I am so glad we both play that stupid game. Without it, I don't think we would have ever have crossed paths. And if we did, it probably would have been too late.

The Big Day

Today is the big day. The day that Ryan and I jump.

5 months ago, we started dating. And today he's officially moving here. Thinking back over the past 5 months, it's amazing how far we have come. I never expected to find someone who fills my life the way he does. I never expected that someone I met online would move across the country to be with me.

He's at the airport now, and will be here tonight. I am so excited and fidgety. He's flown in before, but this time he doesn't have to leave.

Long distance is hard. And for 5 months we did it. And today, the long distance is no longer. I am so glad that I met someone who loves me for who I am. And today, we start our journey together.

Naturally by Selena Gomez

How you choose to express yourself
It's all your own and I can tell
It comes naturally, it comes naturally

You follow what you feel inside
It's intuitive, you don't have to try
It comes naturally, mmmm it comes naturally

And it takes my breath away

You are the thunder and I am the lightning
And I love the way you know who you are
And to me it's exciting
When you know it's meant to be
Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally
When you're with me, baby

Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally
Bay bay baby

You have a way of moving me
A force of nature, your energy
It comes naturally (You know it does)
It comes naturally
Mmmm yeah

And it takes my breath away (Every time)
What you do, so naturally

You are the thunder and I am the lightning
And I love the way you know who you are
And to me it's exciting
When you know it's meant to be
Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally
When you're with me, baby

Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally
Bay bay baby

When we collide, sparks fly
When you look in my eyes, it takes my breath away

You are the thunder and I am the lightning
And I love the way you know who you are
And to me it's exciting
When you know it's meant to be
Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally
When you're with me, baby

Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally
Bay bay baby

This song is epic. Absolutely epic.

In a little over one week, Ryan will be here, permanently. It is really an amazing feeling. Soon, this online romance will be completely in person with no distance to interfere. Don't get me wrong, there will be trials.

Having a 12 year old in my house? Yeah. Being a mother figure? Yeah.

One adventure closes while a whole new life begins. I am so excited.

Need You Now

This was the hardest goodbye ever.

Throughout the visit, we were joking about him not leaving.

Then it became a serious discussion. And serious consideration.

And then we were running late for the airport.

He almost didn't get into the car, but he did.

He almost didn't go into the terminal, but he did.

He almost got off the plane, but he didn't.

He tried to go back in LA, but couldn't.

The next morning when I woke up, and I was alone, my entire universe pulsed. You know, the sci-fi "building up pressure and releasing with a sonic-boom noise" pulse. Was it a dream? Was it real? What is real? After about an hour of moping around my house, I came to the conclusion that it was real. And I woke up into a nightmare.

Finding out later things I could have done to make him stay. Which then leads to another large moral dilemma.

What is right?

Ignoring responsibilities in the name of each other, not having to deal with the heartbreak, and dealing with the responsibilities later. Him not going home to his daughter, his job, his home, and taking care of the loose ends. But, it would be in the name of love. Being with each other and dealing with life and responsibilities together.

Or...

Ignoring each other in the name of responsibilities. Leaving each other with heartache, longing, and depression. Taking care of the loose ends and not sure when we'll see each other again.

Is it better to turn your back on love in the name of life? Or turn your back on life in the name of love?

I don't know what's right anymore. I know in my mind what the more responsible adult decision is, but my heart is screaming the opposite. My heart is winning, and I say screw responsibilities. Screw the loose ends. Screw it all. As long as we're together, it will all fall into place.

I have never been in such a state of turmoil. My entire life is a giant fog when he's gone.

He can say that it will be soon, that he'll never leave again, etc etc....but honestly, it doesn't help one ounce. Knowing that I could have said or done something to make the outcome more to my liking makes me hate myself and hate my life.

Hell, my cats are still wandering around looking for him.

I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. I don't know if I would even call it pain right now. It's an emptiness. My heart shattered into billions of pieces barely held together....like a fragile small glass item that shattered on the floor. "How can so much glass come from that small piece?" You know what I'm talking about.

I don't think my heart will truly exist until he's back. And hell, I don't even know when that is.

I Can't Get You Outta My Head

I am still in absolute awe that Ryan and I are so in tune with each other. It really is somewhat scary at times. We say the same thing at the same time on the same subject. He knows when my mood changes before I do. He knows what's on my mind without me having to mutter a word.

I have never had this connection before. It's funny, we will be completely silent and then blurt out something completely random at the same time. I always joke and tell him to get out of my head. But really? It is the most amazing thing I have ever felt. We can be sitting there together on a couch or in a restaurant and having some of the most intense conversations without saying a word. Or, we could be talking about some of the most trivial things...the weather, actors, movies, and still be having a very deep and emotional conversation. We don't even have to look at each other.

I think I know that this is what true love is supposed to be like. But, like every human being on the planet and beyond, I still have doubts. I thought before that I found true love. What's to say that this isn't either? It feels like it in every fiber of my being, but after my most recent failed relationship, I really don't trust my own judgment sometimes.

Every day I'm trusting Ryan more and more. Every day I'm trusting myself more and more. Every day I'm trusting our relationship more and more. I'm believing in promises again, and even starting to look ahead into the near future. Something I haven't done in a very long time.

You know what's even more amazing, Ryan and I have been together for 4 months now, and have spent only ~20 days of that together. We are like this with that little physical interaction.

I have gone through quite a bit this past week. I worked myself to death. When I wasn't working, car dealers were trying to screw me. Long story short, trading down my Prius (no, not because of the recalls). A few dealers gave me the run around. I finally found out that the main reason I couldn't get financed is because I'm still technically married and have a lot of joint debt. I couldn't prove that I wasn't responsible for ~90% of it because my ex husband hasn't filed for divorce yet. Therefore, there is no court order. Through creativity with my family, I did get another car. The hard part was I really wanted Ryan to be here with me to do it. But I needed to do it now. First of all, I am an incredibly impatient person (Miss Impatient Pants is Ryan's new nick for me). Second, if I got rid of the Prius and got a new loan in the right timing, I wouldn't have a car payment this month, which would allow me to catch up on some bills.

All in all, it worked out in the end and I have a decent car. I just wish Ryan would have been here to keep these stupid leacher dealers from trying to swindle me.

I love Ryan so much.

Reality

Sometimes, accepting what is and not dwelling on what it could be is a really hard practice to follow. It's part of several guidelines I put forward for myself (with the help of an ancient religion) to help myself. I try and help myself be happy with what I have and not always crave more. Most of the time, more is not always better.

This time, this is not the case. At least it doesn't appear to be on the surface. I am really trying to accept what it is. The distance and the time.

There was a very large disappointment this week. Ryan was going to be here on the 10th. Circumstances outside any real control happened. And although his visit is only pushed back by a week, it is the end of the world. The only thing that keeps me going is looking forward to the next time I get to see him. I literally count in seconds. The fact that my second timer has increased by 604,800 seconds breaks me. I think its worse that there is absolutely nothing we could do about it, well, save winning the lottery or magically finding $400 on the street.

I am usually able to control my rage meter pretty well. I thought that I had it under control in this circumstance as well...until I picked up a can and threw it as hard as I could into my recycle box. And then it followed with anything recyclable that I could get my hands on. I'm really surprised the bottles didn't break. Boulder Brewing Co. uses some pretty strong bottles....

I have completely filled up my schedule for next week. Working 5 days and heading up to Reno for a CE on Dentistry. I really didn't realize I had done it until I sat there and looked at what my week would look like. I am subconsciously trying to occupy myself to the point of exhaustion so I can't think about it. Or to make time go by faster.

It seems like nothing goes right when you really need or want it to. There were other disappointments and emotional roller coasters this week that I really didn't need. I'm sure these didn't help my rage meter either. Every time I have an emotional issue I am trying to deal with, it makes it 100x harder to deal with when Ryan isn't around. Again, rage meter. Then, I try and rationalize with myself and tell myself that everything happens for a reason. Screw reason. Rage meter.

Maybe it is the selfish part of my existence that won't let me accept what is without a fight. I just really don't want to fight.

If only my arms reached 2,000 miles...

Lately, aspects of my life have been dragging me down. It makes my artistic flow stop. My muse lives 2,000 miles away. All I want to do is curl up in his arms and let him take it all away.

It's really odd. My mind has stopped all forward momentum. I'm stuck in the here and now, and although that can be a good thing, it really isn't. I know that dwelling in the past or in the future, you miss out on a lot of your life. The here and now is what life is all about. But, the here and now doesn't have Ryan next to me.

Ryan asked me to try and think of the different dreams I have, and time frames that I want them to occur. My mind is so stuck in a rut that I can't even remember my dreams. The fact that I gave up on most of my dreams ever coming true might also have an effect, but I'm not really sure.

Being stuck in this rut has put a real strain on my abilities to function in some areas. I'm so concentrated on spending every second I can talking to Ryan, I let other things slide. My house has been a disaster for the past few months. I would rather step over things and be able to talk to Ryan than having a spotless house and not being able to talk to him as much. I finally did some things today that helped me feel a little bit more productive...but one room out of my house isn't much. I have also managed to fix my computer, for the moment. But not having a computer that ran like my big machine was really starting to get on my nerves, in a really bad way.

I've never been so numb, but have so many feelings at the same time. I am currently devoid of a lot of emotion. I did have a mental rage over something completely unrelated, but it was the lack of rationalization that caused me to cut some things loose out of my life. I can rationalize it, but I can't at the same time.

As it is coming through in my writing, I'm a jumble of a whole bunch of nothing.

I just want to feel his warmth and lose myself in him. The fact that I can't makes me want to hibernate and remove myself from everything until I can.

Maybe I should try going to the gym tomorrow.

My Heart Flew Away to North Carolina

I dropped Ryan off at the airport. I was able to fight back the tears until he got out of the car. As I turned and watched him walk away, the dam broke and they all flowed forth. Putting my head down in defeat, I jammed my car into drive, turned my stereo up, and drove out of the airport. Leaving my heart at the Delta airlines check in area.

I was hungry. And my mind flashed back to us and food. We always have amazing food together. And amazing discussions about food. Shaking myself back to the present, I tried imagining different fast food that I like. Nothing sounded good. In fact, it sounded disgusting. I had this nasty taste in my mouth. With tears staining my face, I finally found something I thought I could tolerate. Taco Bell. And eating it, it tasted terrible. With defeat, I closed my eyes and slept. Sleep is the only time I get some relief.

When Ryan and I are together, it's magic. Time disappears and nothing else matters except each other. We don't even have to speak. Our eyes tell each other everything that matters. I see so much in his eyes, it's amazing. I have never been able to look in someone's eyes and see so much. Life is so perfect when we're together. Sure we have our little arguments, but they are always constructive. When we find ourselves at the time when we part ways to our respective lives without each other, it feels like all forward movement in our relationship halts.

Which brings me to my next point....

Everyone knows that Ryan has a daughter. Everyone also knows that I have never been with anyone with a child. I know that she is jealous of me, especially when I'm around her. Stealing her father's affection. Although I am more mature (at least I think so) than a 12 year old, I am jealous of her. I'm not jealous of Ryan spending time with her or any of that sort, but I'm jealous at the fact that it's the most major hurdle standing in the way of Ryan being here with me. My future with Ryan is depending on a 12 year old.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be in her life. She is an amazing girl and is the mirror image of me at that age.

Why did I fall in love with someone 2,000 miles away? Fate is such a bitch.

Gamers

**The following was written Feb. 8 1pm Central at the Nashville International Airport**

Most people know that Ryan and I met playing Perfect World International, a MMORPG. During my visit to North Carolina and Tennessee this trip, we kept making fun of each other's physical personality traits in comparison to our in game personalites. For example, Ryan's character is a Barbarian. Big, strong, and a protector. My character is a Cleric. The healer. As I spent time thinking about our characters personalities, we really do share the same traits in the physical realm. One big thing I've noticed is how much stronger than me he is. I really have never experienced anything like it. I'm not weak or dainty by any means, well, for a girl. But he can overpower me with one finger.

He also has mentioned how well I can help him control his temper and relax him. That sounds like a cleric, doesn't it? There are other aspects as well, but that would end up being an entire book on personality traits and why gamers choose the classes they do.

I never really noticed the comparison in my own personality to my gaming persona. Until this week that is. Seeing what effect I have on Ryan without even trying. He really is the tank and I really am the healer. It is just something that baffles me.

Spending time with Ryan was absolutely amazing this week. Now, we're apart for 2 days. The longest 2 days. Time really is relative.

But being away from him makes me wonder if this is really real. It feels so perfect when I'm with him, it can't possibly be reality, can it? Being around him in just the daily routine...it feels like I fell asleep for a very long, realistic, and very cruel dream. I wake up when he is not near me, and my heart is in a million pieces. Trying to remember every single second of the time we spent together, and just like a dream, the memories slowly fade. Details become fuzzy and I cannot paint the picture of his face close to mine. I cannot feel his fingers touching my skin. I cannot hear his voice or his whisper in my ear.

Sometimes I see someone, hear something, or smell something...and I have to stop. Everything around me moves in slow motion and disappears. I look around frantically trying to find him. The realization sets in that he really isn't near me, and I'm standing still with my heart racing amongst a giant crowd. Catching my breath and wiping away a tear, I continue on. Trying to push out the pain.

I'm sitting here in the Nashville airport, cursing them for charging for WiFi, and typing in WordPad. There were so many things I needed to get out. There's more, but this crazy power sucking laptop won't be able to stay alive long enough for me to type everything.

Two is Better Than One

The time Ryan and I spend apart is an eternity, but when we are together again, it feels like we were never apart in the first place. We just fall into that same routine again with each other. I have never had a relationship feel so easy and perfect. Most of the time when we are together, we don't even have to say anything. We just know.

I just feel so comfortable, so complete, and so content.

The biggest hurdle that Ryan and I have had to try and tackle together, besides distance, is his daughter. I was trying to tell him before I first met her that she will have a 12 year old mentality about it. He really didn't want to believe me, but I was right.

The first time, the biggest issue she had was me leaving. I can understand that. I wish there was something I could have done before I left...well I wish I didn't have to leave in the first place.

Now, it's a jealousy. Sharing daddy. She has been daddy's number 1 girl for several years, and now she's having to share his time, attention, and affection with someone else. Someone she hardly knows.

I'm really trying hard to keep the opinions and attitude of a 12 year old interfere with my relationship with Ryan, but it is extremely hard. I usually care about opinions most people have about me like I care about a speck of dirt on the ground. There are opinions that matter...your boss, your family, your closest friends, your lover...and that's about the extent of opinions I care about.

I think I'm trying to figure out of her opinion of me should matter to me. I go back and forth on it. Sometimes I feel real inadequate, targeted, and hurt. Other times I feel irritated about it. I'm trying to figure out which one, if either, is correct.

Last night after dinner at Waffle House, I was sitting in Ryan's computer room. My laptop is on the coffee table and my back is really not enjoying sitting on the floor. She came in and told me she was really sorry for how she was acting and how she isn't meaning to. I thought this was really sweet and it made my chest swell a little bit. At the same time, I'm expecting the same pessimism that she's been displaying to return and subside in waves.

I was 12 once. I know the way the 12 year old female brain works. I also know that it will get worse. I am sure that when Ryan picks her up and moves her to California, we will see a lot of what we're seeing now, plus some. Being pulled away from everything she knows and is comfortable with. California will be like a different country to her, and she will have some serious culture shock. I am seeing some acting out in her future as well. California is good for that.

Life isn't always roses, rainbows, butterflies, and kittens. It does make it easier to deal with things like this though.

Time

You know that Einstein saying that talks about time? How having your hand on a hot burner for one minute feels like an hour, and one hour with your hands on a hot woman feels like a minute? I have always understood this saying to a point.

But with everything that has happened in my life the past few months, I not only understand it, I feel it. The closer it gets to the time I get to see Ryan, the more agonizing, long, and drawn out it really is. And I know when I actually get there, time will pass by way too fast.

It's such torture. I want to be with Ryan and spend time with him. But there's always that nagging in the back of my head that I will have to leave. I hate leaving.

Although this month is a lot better, with me being out with him for a week and then him coming out here 2 days later for Valentine's week.

But still, the nagging is still there. There will be another undefinate time period in which we will be apart, again.

I will try and cherish the time we are together like it won't end (temporarily), but it's still hard. This is harder than going through a divorce. But, I have a very strong feeling....knowing....that it will be worth it.

Snail Mail

I haven't been able to write lately. I've hit a writer's block, and everyone who writes can understand this.

After leaving North Carolina and Ryan behind, my world doesn't seem as bright and shiny anymore. After having the closeness, then getting used to it being gone....well....it's understandable.

A couple days after I got back to California, I wrote Ryan a letter. The good old style...snail mail, hand written, and heartfelt. The hardest part is that it takes so long for it to be delivered! With Sundays and holidays, and the USPS taking days off, the letter took almost a week to get there. Originally, I wasn't going to tell him that I had sent him a letter. I wanted him to be surprised. But I was so excited about it that I finally had to tell him. Of course, I didn't tell him what it said. By that point I had forgotten some of its contents anyway.

On Martin Luther King, Jr's holiday Monday, he was having a really bad day. We had an argument the night before, work was irritating him, and he was suffering from a severe lack of sleep. I had forgotten it was a holiday, and I was hoping the letter would be in his mail box that day to help cheer him up. I couldn't be there personally to help his mood, so I was hoping this would be something special.

I have never hated Martin Luther King, Jr so much. The letter stayed wherever it was, loaded on some delivery truck ready to be delivered. Not where it really needed to be.

Of course, it was delivered the next day. He read it to me over ventrilo that night. I started crying. Not just tears, but almost sobbing. My own heart was breaking over its own words. Talking about some of the most special memories I have from when I was with him. Feeling his hands putting my necklace on. Feeling his breath on my skin. Singing Fireflies.

I feel like a broken record, but no one really knows how painful a long distance relationship is until you are in one. When you experience the pain of being so far away, but joy from finding someone so special. Some days, the joy is more than the pain. On other days, the pain is more than the joy.

Some days I dread seeing him again on a temporary basis, because I dread leaving. I dread feeling the pain of walking away when that is the exact opposite of what I want to do. I know that there will be a permanent fix to a temporary problem, but I have a hard time seeing it, believing it, trusting it....

My own insecurities get in the way of that. I have had so many promises made and broken to me, that I really do not take a promise at face value. I expect it to be broken. Ryan is really helping me see that he really does keep promises, and every day I expect it to be broken less and less.

The day will come, no matter how near or far in the future (since it's all relative) when he is here with me.

Vanilla Twilight

This song was written for us, it had to be.

Vanilla Twilight by Owl City

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Distance

I am so happy with my relationship with Ryan, but at the same time I am extremely unhappy. There are things that regular couples take for granted. Sharing the little things in life. Cuddling watching a movie, giggling over a random fact, staring into each others eyes...you get the picture.

Sure, technology has advanced enough that we can talk like we're sitting next to each other. Ventrilo, Windows Live, webcams, telephones, email, text messages. The one thing technology cannot do is allow us to touch. That is one of the biggest tortures that I am having a hard time dealing with. I can see and hear Ryan at the same time, but I cannot reach out and put my hand on his face.

There are times in life when you just need someone next to you. Sharing your pain, comforting you when you're down, holding you when you've had a bad day.

I am trying really hard to let the technology be enough.

Being with Ryan, I fall into a routine. It's such an easy routine. We just fit together like pieces in a puzzle. I think thats one of the main reasons it was so hard to leave. Getting into that routine, and then being shoved back into a routine without him at my side.

I've had some feedback from people that are halfway close to me that Ryan and I are moving too fast. How can you move fast with 2,000 miles between each other?! It might be that I'm not really going into details of our relationship too much...I'm not sure. I really do not want to hear opinions on my relationship, or the speed that it is moving rather. Therefore, I do not go into extreme details on feelings. People tend to have this word rebound stuck in their head. I had my rebound, a couple of them actually, but that's history. I know what I want, I know what I need.

I told Jeremy before he left that all I wanted was the person I'm with to be able to love and cherish me. I realized at this point those are the basics. And I realized after spending so much time with Ryan that I never really had that kind of devotion.

I didn't realize before this that I really haven't wanted to give that kind devotion either.

Internal Conflict

Throughout my life, I have experienced emotional pain. I do not handle emotional pain well.

I left North Carolina today. I knew it would hurt, but I wasn't prepared for it. This is the second time Ryan and I have had to say goodbye to each other. I don't know why, but when he left Sacramento a month ago, I really didn't hurt this bad. Maybe because our relationship has grown so much more in the past month, I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I was leaving and I didn't want to. Maybe it was a combination of it all.

All I know is this emotional pain, like it tends manifest for me, is causing physical discomfort. Or maybe I'm still feeling this flu bug.

I am just a crying and uncomfortable mess. I have tried in the past to make myself resilient to emotional pain. It seems to not have taken in this situation. And I know this really isn't the worst emotional pain I've been in, but it feels like it. Maybe because my heart is swelling with love and breaking at the same time. It's like an infection...a cat abscess....it feels so good to be ruptured, but hurts so bad.

I had to really hold onto the sane part of my head today. Other parts of my mind started to take over and I didn't want to leave. I had to have a fight with myself. I almost stayed. The consequences of that decision would have been colossal. I don't care.

I need to have a disability deal for a few days...you know when you go into the hospital and have a procedure done and they tell you not to make any major legal, financial, life changing decisions for the next so many hours? Yeah.

I am so scared. I am in so much pain. I am so in love.

Leaving

As hard as I try, the closer it gets until my plane takes off, I get more and more sad.

I have never been a parent. Though I claim to be a "parent" to my cats, it really isn't the same. Everyone who is a parent knows this, and everyone who loves their animals understands this. I met Ryan's daughter for the first time starting Thursday evening. All of a sudden, I have a 12 year old girl, daughter of the one I love, looking to me.

I have never been with anyone with children. In fact, when I met someone with children, I usually shied and ran far, far, far, away.

I knew Ryan had a daughter before we even started talking to each other. For some reason, I wasn't worried about it.

After we met in person, I started worrying more about his daughter. You've seen the blog about it.

I met her. I talked to her. I brushed her hair. I rode horses with her. I tickled her father with her. I played video games with her. I cooked for her. I made bracelets with her. I shared music and book interests with her.

I am so attached to this little girl. She is me. She found out that I was leaving tomorrow. I am sure she didn't think I was staying forever, but at the same time, the earth stood still when we spent time together. After that, frankly, she became a spoiled brat. She started the "I'm a jealous almost teenager!!!!!" routine. We all know it, we've all done it.

I really didn't pinpoint the cause of this bratiness in the beginning. Maybe because I don't know her, maybe because I'm not a parent yet. And even after Ryan voiced his opinion of the situation, I still doubted it.

He talked to her and something changed. I then realized I was so sad to leave this little girl. My heart broke that she has to deal with another maternal figure leaving her life.

I'm trying not to think about tomorrow. The pain might break me even more than I already am.

Romance

It was like a scene from a cheesy romance movie. The fire crackling, cuddling under a blanket, and sipping red wine. It was absolute heaven.

I will tell you, I have never been properly romanced. Ever. I have actually done most of the romancing. Men have tried, and failed hard.

While we were cuddling next to the fire, Ryan gave me my birthday present a day early. He picked this out before we even discussed this type of item. It's amazing, because there's this connection...and he got me a piece of jewelry that I would have picked out myself.

All the times I have been given jewelry, I had to do some serious serious hint dropping. And even then, it was pretty fail.

I have never really been connected with someone before like this. I mean I thought I sort of was before, but now with these new experiences, I realized that the connection was really a one way connection.

This. Is. Amazing.

Contentment

I've been at Ryan's for almost 24 hours. I started coming down with a cough the night before I left. Wednesday I felt pretty punky, but didn't care, wanted to be on a plane anyway.

Well, in the past 24 hours, my sinuses have become involved, and evidently I am running a fever. But, I would rather be on death's bed and be here with Ryan than be at home and completely healthy. Having him here to kiss my forehead and telling me that I'm running a temperature is one of the best things ever.

Being in a long distance relationship, you miss out on a lot of the small things. Last night, we watched the second Night at the Museum, and just cuddled in the chair. It was amazing. Then we put Up in, and he fell asleep about 10 minutes into the movie. I had the pleasure of being able to sit with him and watch him sleep...running my fingers through his hair. I hope that my brain was able to snap a life long snap shot of that moment...because it's one of the most wonderful things I have ever experienced.

We are supposed to go up to Crossville to surprise my dad this weekend. I hope everything works out with the weather and this little illness to make it happen. I want my parents to meet the person who has made me so happy when my life was in such turmoil. It's in turmoil now, but for completely different reasons.

I'm trying not to think about Monday when I have to go home, but it's going to hurt so much.

True...

It's always an amazing feeling to be able to move past an argument. And to learn something about each other in the process is a bonus. Every little argument that Ryan and I have has been constructive, for the most part. Being able to move past something, even small, means so much to me right now.

The only thing that really drives me nuts is that after an argument, we are still so far away. We can't hold and cuddle each other afterward. And there's no make up sex. We all know how important make up sex is. And how awesome it is.

The good thing, 2 days, 22 hours and 3 minutes my plane will be leaving for North Carolina.

Is it time yet?

Keeping the Peace

My friend is in trouble. My boyfriend needs attention. I try to satisfy both by talking with them both at the same time.

I have known said friend since I was a senior in high school. We have gone through so much. In this time that he needs, I have to be there for him. He has been there for me in every trial I've had since I've met him. And they were many.

Trying to balance the two is wearing on my soul. But the most odd thing is I'm not angry about Ryan getting jealous. To be honest, I'm more at peace tonight than I have been in a long time. I am highly confused because I should be in turmoil.

I think right now, tonight, everything is going out to my friend. I can't help it. I can't change it. 8 years versus 2 months. I have to be there for my friend.

I don't know what else I can do. There really is nothing I can do.

This really may be the end. The hardest part is there is nothing to do to change it.