Reality

Sometimes, accepting what is and not dwelling on what it could be is a really hard practice to follow. It's part of several guidelines I put forward for myself (with the help of an ancient religion) to help myself. I try and help myself be happy with what I have and not always crave more. Most of the time, more is not always better.

This time, this is not the case. At least it doesn't appear to be on the surface. I am really trying to accept what it is. The distance and the time.

There was a very large disappointment this week. Ryan was going to be here on the 10th. Circumstances outside any real control happened. And although his visit is only pushed back by a week, it is the end of the world. The only thing that keeps me going is looking forward to the next time I get to see him. I literally count in seconds. The fact that my second timer has increased by 604,800 seconds breaks me. I think its worse that there is absolutely nothing we could do about it, well, save winning the lottery or magically finding $400 on the street.

I am usually able to control my rage meter pretty well. I thought that I had it under control in this circumstance as well...until I picked up a can and threw it as hard as I could into my recycle box. And then it followed with anything recyclable that I could get my hands on. I'm really surprised the bottles didn't break. Boulder Brewing Co. uses some pretty strong bottles....

I have completely filled up my schedule for next week. Working 5 days and heading up to Reno for a CE on Dentistry. I really didn't realize I had done it until I sat there and looked at what my week would look like. I am subconsciously trying to occupy myself to the point of exhaustion so I can't think about it. Or to make time go by faster.

It seems like nothing goes right when you really need or want it to. There were other disappointments and emotional roller coasters this week that I really didn't need. I'm sure these didn't help my rage meter either. Every time I have an emotional issue I am trying to deal with, it makes it 100x harder to deal with when Ryan isn't around. Again, rage meter. Then, I try and rationalize with myself and tell myself that everything happens for a reason. Screw reason. Rage meter.

Maybe it is the selfish part of my existence that won't let me accept what is without a fight. I just really don't want to fight.