Need You Now

This was the hardest goodbye ever.

Throughout the visit, we were joking about him not leaving.

Then it became a serious discussion. And serious consideration.

And then we were running late for the airport.

He almost didn't get into the car, but he did.

He almost didn't go into the terminal, but he did.

He almost got off the plane, but he didn't.

He tried to go back in LA, but couldn't.

The next morning when I woke up, and I was alone, my entire universe pulsed. You know, the sci-fi "building up pressure and releasing with a sonic-boom noise" pulse. Was it a dream? Was it real? What is real? After about an hour of moping around my house, I came to the conclusion that it was real. And I woke up into a nightmare.

Finding out later things I could have done to make him stay. Which then leads to another large moral dilemma.

What is right?

Ignoring responsibilities in the name of each other, not having to deal with the heartbreak, and dealing with the responsibilities later. Him not going home to his daughter, his job, his home, and taking care of the loose ends. But, it would be in the name of love. Being with each other and dealing with life and responsibilities together.

Or...

Ignoring each other in the name of responsibilities. Leaving each other with heartache, longing, and depression. Taking care of the loose ends and not sure when we'll see each other again.

Is it better to turn your back on love in the name of life? Or turn your back on life in the name of love?

I don't know what's right anymore. I know in my mind what the more responsible adult decision is, but my heart is screaming the opposite. My heart is winning, and I say screw responsibilities. Screw the loose ends. Screw it all. As long as we're together, it will all fall into place.

I have never been in such a state of turmoil. My entire life is a giant fog when he's gone.

He can say that it will be soon, that he'll never leave again, etc etc....but honestly, it doesn't help one ounce. Knowing that I could have said or done something to make the outcome more to my liking makes me hate myself and hate my life.

Hell, my cats are still wandering around looking for him.

I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. I don't know if I would even call it pain right now. It's an emptiness. My heart shattered into billions of pieces barely held together....like a fragile small glass item that shattered on the floor. "How can so much glass come from that small piece?" You know what I'm talking about.

I don't think my heart will truly exist until he's back. And hell, I don't even know when that is.