Lately, aspects of my life have been dragging me down. It makes my artistic flow stop. My muse lives 2,000 miles away. All I want to do is curl up in his arms and let him take it all away.
It's really odd. My mind has stopped all forward momentum. I'm stuck in the here and now, and although that can be a good thing, it really isn't. I know that dwelling in the past or in the future, you miss out on a lot of your life. The here and now is what life is all about. But, the here and now doesn't have Ryan next to me.
Ryan asked me to try and think of the different dreams I have, and time frames that I want them to occur. My mind is so stuck in a rut that I can't even remember my dreams. The fact that I gave up on most of my dreams ever coming true might also have an effect, but I'm not really sure.
Being stuck in this rut has put a real strain on my abilities to function in some areas. I'm so concentrated on spending every second I can talking to Ryan, I let other things slide. My house has been a disaster for the past few months. I would rather step over things and be able to talk to Ryan than having a spotless house and not being able to talk to him as much. I finally did some things today that helped me feel a little bit more productive...but one room out of my house isn't much. I have also managed to fix my computer, for the moment. But not having a computer that ran like my big machine was really starting to get on my nerves, in a really bad way.
I've never been so numb, but have so many feelings at the same time. I am currently devoid of a lot of emotion. I did have a mental rage over something completely unrelated, but it was the lack of rationalization that caused me to cut some things loose out of my life. I can rationalize it, but I can't at the same time.
As it is coming through in my writing, I'm a jumble of a whole bunch of nothing.
I just want to feel his warmth and lose myself in him. The fact that I can't makes me want to hibernate and remove myself from everything until I can.
Maybe I should try going to the gym tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment