Leaving

As hard as I try, the closer it gets until my plane takes off, I get more and more sad.

I have never been a parent. Though I claim to be a "parent" to my cats, it really isn't the same. Everyone who is a parent knows this, and everyone who loves their animals understands this. I met Ryan's daughter for the first time starting Thursday evening. All of a sudden, I have a 12 year old girl, daughter of the one I love, looking to me.

I have never been with anyone with children. In fact, when I met someone with children, I usually shied and ran far, far, far, away.

I knew Ryan had a daughter before we even started talking to each other. For some reason, I wasn't worried about it.

After we met in person, I started worrying more about his daughter. You've seen the blog about it.

I met her. I talked to her. I brushed her hair. I rode horses with her. I tickled her father with her. I played video games with her. I cooked for her. I made bracelets with her. I shared music and book interests with her.

I am so attached to this little girl. She is me. She found out that I was leaving tomorrow. I am sure she didn't think I was staying forever, but at the same time, the earth stood still when we spent time together. After that, frankly, she became a spoiled brat. She started the "I'm a jealous almost teenager!!!!!" routine. We all know it, we've all done it.

I really didn't pinpoint the cause of this bratiness in the beginning. Maybe because I don't know her, maybe because I'm not a parent yet. And even after Ryan voiced his opinion of the situation, I still doubted it.

He talked to her and something changed. I then realized I was so sad to leave this little girl. My heart broke that she has to deal with another maternal figure leaving her life.

I'm trying not to think about tomorrow. The pain might break me even more than I already am.