Internal Conflict

Throughout my life, I have experienced emotional pain. I do not handle emotional pain well.

I left North Carolina today. I knew it would hurt, but I wasn't prepared for it. This is the second time Ryan and I have had to say goodbye to each other. I don't know why, but when he left Sacramento a month ago, I really didn't hurt this bad. Maybe because our relationship has grown so much more in the past month, I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I was leaving and I didn't want to. Maybe it was a combination of it all.

All I know is this emotional pain, like it tends manifest for me, is causing physical discomfort. Or maybe I'm still feeling this flu bug.

I am just a crying and uncomfortable mess. I have tried in the past to make myself resilient to emotional pain. It seems to not have taken in this situation. And I know this really isn't the worst emotional pain I've been in, but it feels like it. Maybe because my heart is swelling with love and breaking at the same time. It's like an infection...a cat abscess....it feels so good to be ruptured, but hurts so bad.

I had to really hold onto the sane part of my head today. Other parts of my mind started to take over and I didn't want to leave. I had to have a fight with myself. I almost stayed. The consequences of that decision would have been colossal. I don't care.

I need to have a disability deal for a few days...you know when you go into the hospital and have a procedure done and they tell you not to make any major legal, financial, life changing decisions for the next so many hours? Yeah.

I am so scared. I am in so much pain. I am so in love.